Hello, nightfall. It's me again, having one of my after-hour ponderings while my husband is at work and my puppy dog snores in the corner. Ah, to be awake while the world sleeps...or at least the Western Hemisphere, lol.
I realized today that this week marks three months of our living and working in Baltimore. This sounds like so short a time, and yet our arrival in April seems a distant memory. I think about our time here, and how much we may have changed. In general, I believe we have grown, done well and gleaned good things from being here. And yet, I know there are things I have picked up here in Baltimore that I'm not so proud of.
I guess what I really want to talk about right now is influence. The concept has been floating around in my thoughts for the past few days. Actually, if I'm honest I have been really convicted lately, and God keeps flinging that word at my brain.
INFLUENCE.
Who are you influencing?
What are you influenced by?
I looked up some of its synonyms for fun and came up with things like to brainwash, manipulate, or sway - all a bit too negative for my liking. But then my eyes came to rest on a simple phrase that sums it up for me: to carry weight. To influence is to be the heavier in the equation, to stand firmly, to pull others toward you like gravity. It suggests having an almost captivating magnetism. And during times past, I think I've had that.
But I think I've been slowly losing it out here. I notice the change most when I am least guarded. My tongue is sharper, my thoughts more cynical, my assessment of others more judgmental. At times I am slow to empathize, quickly defensive, downright selfish.
And my driving...let's not talk about it.
This place is so very different than the place I come from. It feels downright hostile sometimes. And I think I have bristled in response to it, grown a thicker skin, turned in some ways harder
- to my own detriment.
You see, we all vacillate between being either influencers or "influence-ees"; either we are impacting the world around us, or we are allowing it to impact us.
So don't misunderstand me, this change isn't Baltimore's fault - it's my own.
Because I have carried less weight. I have allowed my flame to be dimmed instead of casting my little light into the far reaches of the darkness. This is what we're called to do as Christians, isn't it? Shine brightly. Be the Salt of the Earth. In essence, Influence. Not in order to draw people to ourselves, but to draw them to Him.
And I want that. To carry weight, in my countenance and my words, everyday. To shine, regardless of what or who surrounds me. Thankfully I still see glimpses of that in my life - being able to bless a patient with just a smile and sincere squeeze of the hand, uplifting a friend when they need it most, loving my husband and family well. All gifts, all moments when I had the chance to impact for good and I took it. I pray I take them far more often. Who knows how far-reaching such impact can be?
I'll leave you with a poem that a dear friend of mine introduced me to years ago.
Blessed is the match consumed in kindling flame
Blessed is the flame that burns in the secret fastness of the heart
Blessed is the heart with strength to stop its beating for honor's sake
Blessed is the match consumed in kindling flame
- Hannah Senesh
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