On the Road Again...

Preface: I've discovered this nifty little feature in the blogging world that allows you to link maps to your page. Watch out, blog, I'm dangerous now...

This past week Patrick and I officially completed our contract with Johns Hopkins!! I honestly can't believe how quickly the time went. Was April really that long ago??

We spent our last week saying goodbye to friends and coworkers, which was such a humbling experience. Never could we have known that so many kind and caring people would cross our paths. From new friends who so readily opened their hearts and homes, to old friends that resurfaced at just the right times...they were all a gift indeed. I wish I could have captured a photo of each of them, but my memory will have to suffice. Here are a couple I DID manage to catch!

One last visit to Rach and Esther in New York City - it won't be as bright a city without you

My sweet friend Jess and I outside the "historic buildings" of Hopkins, lol

Jamie Jam! My travel friend and yoga guru extraordinaire

Then, the perfect icing on the cake - my mom came to Baltimore :) 

She had vowed she would try to visit us girls out east before we went our separate ways, and by George she did! I got to show her some of my favorite neighborhoods, ferry her thru the Harbor via the water taxi, and treat her to Miss Shirley's amazing chicken and waffles - can't beat that. But mostly, it was such a blessing to enjoy the comfort that is your mother during times of transition. 

My sister and brother-in-law were able to make it up too, so we all got to be together (dad was there in spirit) one last time before the McHenry's headed west and the Rusk's headed south!

My radiant sister and I on packing day!

Goodbye dinner with the fan (minus dad!) at our favorite restaurant in Little Italy

Creek girls, always

And now, we set out on the longest drive either of us have ever attempted. 

Baltimore, Maryland to Spokane, Washington. 

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Just the thought of all these hours spent sitting makes me want to develop DVT's (nursing joke, lol). But we have planned for many a stretch break and will hopefully make it in good time. We officially head west tomorrow, propelled by our trusty Jeep, hauling our belongings in a U-haul - you know you're mobile when your possessions for daily life fit in an 8x4 trailer, lol. 

For me, this transition is bittersweet; I will miss the friends we made, and the nearness of my only sister. Despite the times that it didn't seem worth it, this season of our life turned out to be a big blessing. But we are excited to see the span of this country from the road, eager to be reunited with loved ones in the Northwest, and filled with anticipation for the next phase of our travel nursing journey!

Goodbye, in its' many forms

As nurses, we are supposed to master the art of saying goodbye. For we do it more often than most other professions. We meet a patient, care for them for 8-12 hours, and then at shift change we say goodbye. Not "see you later", because this may not be the case, but "goodbye". We are supposed to acknowledge that this brief encounter was only temporary, and keep ourselves separate from any "unprofessional attachment". I understand why this must be, but sometimes it's easier said than done. 

Now as travel nurses, we are coming to find that goodbyes are frequent not only at work, but in life. When an assignment ends we say goodbye to everything except each other, pack up our belongings, and head to the next place. And there we are expected to plug in, start fresh, invest in those around us - all while knowing that in a few months time we will start the goodbyes again. 

We say goodbye to friends,

to family,

to coworkers,

to cities,

to our dwelling places,

all the time.

A little over a week ago, we said goodbye to the most precious thing we've ever been responsible for. The goodbye that we never planned to say, that came much too soon, that utterly blindsided us. The loss has been overwhelmingly acute. And I have been wrestling with how to process it, to carry it, to live with it. I still don't have the words. But I know that I will never think a pet is "just a dog" ever again. But I digress; that grief is for another time.

Our assignment at Johns Hopkins is coming to a close this week. We are now preparing to say goodbye to the East Coast and all the people we cherish here - to my sister and brother-in-law in DC, and our dear friends scattered up north and in Baltimore. To call their presence in our lives a blessing would be an understatement. But the goodbye is so near, and we don't know when we will share our next meal or conversation or hug with them. It has been such a gift to share life with them all, and I wouldn't trade the experiences we've had out here, but I catch myself resenting the fact that it can't last. 

This is one of the hardest parts of what we have chosen to do. We are always leaving. And while I love the life we lead and the adventure we are on, I sometimes wonder why we put ourselves through it. 

Then I am reminded - by the Lord, by my husband, by those near and far who care about us - that there is a richness of life gained only by letting go. That I can't fully taste the sweetness of togetherness if I haven't felt the loneliness of separation. That I can only appreciate the gifts I've been given if they've been whittled down to what really matters. That, as cheesy as it sounds, I can only love truly once I've loved and lost. 

I am so thankful that most goodbyes in my life have been merely "see you later"s. And I am forever grateful for the people God has placed along the path we've journeyed thus far. In about a month that path will take us across an ocean, putting everyone we know and love further from reach than they've ever been. I pray that He would prepare our hearts for the many goodbyes we will make, and that He would keep us soft and open toward those He puts before us each day.

Kindling flame (no, this is not about Hunger Games)

Hello, nightfall. It's me again, having one of my after-hour ponderings while my husband is at work and my puppy dog snores in the corner. Ah, to be awake while the world sleeps...or at least the Western Hemisphere, lol. 

I realized today that this week marks three months of our living and working in Baltimore. This sounds like so short a time, and yet our arrival in April seems a distant memory. I think about our time here, and how much we may have changed. In general, I believe we have grown, done well and gleaned good things from being here. And yet, I know there are things I have picked up here in Baltimore that I'm not so proud of.

I guess what I really want to talk about right now is influence. The concept has been floating around in my thoughts for the past few days. Actually, if I'm honest I have been really convicted lately, and God keeps flinging that word at my brain.

INFLUENCE. 

Who are you influencing? 

What are you influenced by?

I looked up some of its synonyms for fun and came up with things like to brainwash, manipulate, or sway - all a bit too negative for my liking. But then my eyes came to rest on a simple phrase that sums it up for me: to carry weight. To influence is to be the heavier in the equation, to stand firmly, to pull others toward you like gravity. It suggests having an almost captivating magnetism. And during times past, I think I've had that.

But I think I've been slowly losing it out here. I notice the change most when I am least guarded. My tongue is sharper, my thoughts more cynical, my assessment of others more judgmental. At times I am slow to empathize, quickly defensive, downright selfish. 

And my driving...let's not talk about it. 

This place is so very different than the place I come from. It feels downright hostile sometimes. And I think I have bristled in response to it, grown a thicker skin, turned in some ways harder 

- to my own detriment.

You see, we all vacillate between being either influencers or  "influence-ees"; either we are impacting the world around us, or we are allowing it to impact us. 

So don't misunderstand me, this change isn't Baltimore's fault - it's my own.

Because I have carried less weight. I have allowed my flame to be dimmed instead of casting my little light into the far reaches of the darkness. This is what we're called to do as Christians, isn't it? Shine brightly. Be the Salt of the Earth. In essence, Influence. Not in order to draw people to ourselves, but to draw them to Him.

And I want that. To carry weight, in my countenance and my words, everyday. To shine, regardless of what or who surrounds me. Thankfully I still see glimpses of that in my life - being able to bless a patient with just a smile and sincere squeeze of the hand, uplifting a friend when they need it most, loving my husband and family well. All gifts, all moments when I had the chance to impact for good and I took it. I pray I take them far more often. Who knows how far-reaching such impact can be?

I'll leave you with a poem that a dear friend of mine introduced me to years ago.

Blessed is the match consumed in kindling flame

Blessed is the flame that burns in the secret fastness of the heart

Blessed is the heart with strength to stop its beating for honor's sake

Blessed is the match consumed in kindling flame 

- Hannah Senesh